However, there are some identities that I am not proud of. Victim is one. I have inhabited this identity for many years, and for many years it was my major one. Being my main identity, it became very comfortable to me. I grew to expect certain things of others, and others also came to expect certain things of me. For example, I was the woman who didn't know how. I waited for someone else to do it for me, because I had never learned. My husband had never taught me. I didn't have the skill. Whatever. Others, willingly or grudgingly, did these things for me. I didn't know how to change a tire, so others were called instead. I wasn't sure how to check my oil or tire pressure, so I would ask one of my children to do it. I was needy.
I have learned to walk past this--unless I am visiting my grown children, as I am now. I have to admit that it is ridiculously easy to slip back into my old neediness when I'm with them. It is comfortable--both for them and for me. I'm not saying it is good or welcome--it's neither. But it is tempting to sit down and let others take over.
You might wonder why that's a problem. Maybe there's something that you are holding on to, and you don't really see any reason to let go. This is understandable, but it's not healthy. God is willing and ready to heal you, but he can't do anything if you don't give yourself up to the healing. You might complain about your weakness, but what would you do if God gave you the opportunity to live right now without it? Would you be willing to give it up--and to give up all the benefits that come with it?
Benefits? Yes, benefits. For example, let's say that you feel that you want to walk past your dependence on drugs. That's great, and God can definitely heal that. But are you really willing to live every day after today without them? The stressors that caused you to use them are still out there. You can ask God to take away the craving, but the memory will remain. And then there's your place in your family, your circles, your friendships. Are you willing to give up who you are? You might think that would be lovely--but remember that it takes strength to become a new person. God's strength. You have to rely on him and have faith that one day they will see you as healthy and trustworthy. And you have to have faith in yourself that you can carry on day after day with only him to give you what you used to get from the drugs.
So here I am, my first post in this blog in since September, 2014, and it's a downer! Why?
Because I care about you. I want you to be healed. But I also want you to realize that walking through pain is not a simple thing. But don't let that scare you off. Remember: Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for HIm, and He will give you your heart's desire. This beautiful line from Elijah is meant for people like us. We don't have to do any more but be patient and rest. The Lord is right there, waiting for you. And there are more promises, too. "Nothing can separate us from the love of God." (Romans 8:39) "I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). And there are so many more!
I hope you choose to walk. If you are tempted to stay where you are, I hope you decide that you'd rather be whole than be where you are right now. And I hope, having continued to walk, that you realize that the trip was worth it.