The article talks about what to do if you are quite rightly surprised and concerned about your friend's illness, new circumstances, or what have you. She calls it "The ring theory." I prefer to call it "circles of caring."
The sad fact is that when you see your friend--a friend who has gone through death, divorce, disaster of some sort--you are often shocked by her appearance or circumstances. You want to cry out because you are in pain, especially if you are a good friend or if that person was a good friend to you. There IS a difference, and it IS important, as you'll see when you observe the circles.
The circle demonstrates something very important. There's a hierarchy of pain. To put it bluntly, there is only one person who is allowed to feel that it's all about her, and that is the person in pain. That person is given the green light to rant and rave, to bitch and complain, to moan and grown. Everyone she complains TO is an outer circle. As you can see, you should KVETCH OUT.
If you are not in the inner circle, it is NOT all about YOU. However, you are affected. Let me use a hypothetical example.
Joanna divorced her husband after a bitter battle for custody and finances. She is the person in the middle. She has the RIGHT, in fact the NEED to get her grief, anger, sorrow, and hurt out. It's OKAY for her to complain, moan, bitch, shout, and anything else she needs to do. But Sylvia is not Joanna. She is Joanna's sister. What can she do? Should she listen to Joanna's kvetching? Yes. She is on an outer circle, and she can (as much as she is able). Does she have to? No. She can honestly tell Joanna that she can't listen right now, but that she still loves her. Does she have the right to advise her to snap out of it? MAYBE. IF SHE IS VERY CLOSE TO JOANNA and if Joanna ASKS HER, she might suggest counseling, but her major job is to COMFORT HER SISTER. If she spends her time advising her, she likely will discover that Joanna is no longer coming to her. That might be hard for her, but it would be devastating for Joanna, who has lost an ally when she needed one most.
Alright then, if Sylvia shouldn't kvetch to Joanna, then who can she kvetch to? The answer is simple. She can kvetch to anyone on her circle--any OTHER family member or friend (of HERS, not Joanna's). You can kvetch out, but you should give comfort in. So Sylvia can share her grief with her own friends, her own husband, and so on. It is her right to seek comfort where she needs it, as long as that person is not Joanna.
It continues that way on down the line. If you are Joanna's close friend, you might be called on to give comfort even more than family. In ways, you are closer. But DON'T GIVE UNASKED-FOR, UNWANTED ADVICE, AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T KVETCH AT JOANNA. What will it serve you to tell her that her husband was worthless scum? What possible peace will it give her for you to say that you loved her husband and can't believe he did this to her? Comfort her. It's about her. Don't add to her load of pain by sharing your own. It's not about you.
Now, what about if Joanna is a good friend of yours, but you are not a close friend of Joanna's? You have to be especially careful. Remember that even the friendliest colleague is still a COLLEAGUE, not a real friend. The circles remind me of the circle of friendship that my son's therapist used to demonstrate safe and unsafe friendships--how intimate you should be with those around you. Even if you have a beautiful time at church, if you don't see your friend outside of church, she's not your friend, she's your acquaintance. My son's therapist said that he should ask three simple questions: Do you know her middle name? Do you know where she lives? Does she know where you live? If the answer to any of these is no, then she's probably not your friend. That's not a bad thing, but it does delineate where on the circle you fall. If you have her number because you need it from work, think carefully before you call her. If her family doesn't know you (if she's not available due to illness) or if she's frail mentally or physically, then you probably shouldn't call. There are likely others at work who are her friends and can give you the answers you want.
If everyone would follow this circle of caring, I think that people would be much more successful at dealing with those who are hurting. Steven Ministries counsels us to walk with those that are hurting. We aren't to give money or advice. We are to listen. People seem to have lost that important social skill. But it's vital to the person who is in pain. Sometimes simply listening can make the difference between darkness and light.