And yet God is good. His mercy endures forever. The thing is, his goodness isn't always available to the blind eye. You have to go by faith.
My life at this moment is one of exhaustion. We are in the midst of two weeks of finals. The seniors take them this week, and everyone else takes them next week. So we have two full days of divided classes, with teachers trying to relieve the burdens of other teachers by giving up their free time so that seniors in mixed classes can take their finals in a classroom that's quiet. I've been grading papers and making/reviewing finals for 2 straight weeks, and I"m so tired. But that's not the extent of it.
I planned a trip to my sister's in late May. I planned it carefully, wanting to make sure it coincided with my birthday. I paid a lot of money for a plane ticket and even more money for a dog sitter. And then my sister called me up to tell me that her niece was near death, and if she should die at the same time as my trip, of course they would have to go to the funeral. I understood completely, but I also realize that nothing I've done is refundable. I feel so small, but I don't want the funeral to interfere with my trip. Why is this happening?
In addition, I walked into my boss' office today to be told that a position I've long been asking for has been given to a new hire. It is an old dream that isn't valid any more--I am a writer and no longer care if others don't see my full value as a teacher--but it still hurts that I'm not seen as capable. Why do I care? Why don't you take this away from me, God?
I decided to call my son and kvetch, only to be told that he is in the middle of a nightmare that few parents ever have to experience. My heart grieves for him, I feel totally unable to help, I would break down heaven's door to find an answer. This is the implosion of a move that everyone thought was God sent. Now we are all crying, "Why, God?" And God is silent.
I know that my answers may not come tomorrow. The hoped-for miracle may not materialize. The trip may be postponed or cancelled entirely. Being overlooked will hurt as long as it hurts. My heart will always grieve for my son as long as I am his mother and he is in need. But that doesn't mean that God is not good. We can call upon him and ask why and not receive an answer, but that does not mean he didn't hear us. I don't know why he is silent, but I know that his silence doesn't mean that he isn't there.
So I will not stop believing that God is good. I will not stop thinking that he has the answers. I will, instead, accept that he is being silent right now for his own reasons. One day we'll understand. Until then, we will stand strong. Yes, the Lord is good. His mercy endures forever. Forever. I can wait.