First of all, let's look at trust. What does it mean, and equally important, what does it not mean? To trust someone is to put your faith in them and to trust them not to abuse your faith. You should be able to tell them secrets without any fear of those secrets being broadcast about. You should be able to expect them to listen to you, and you should expect them to be kind to you. Most important, you should know that they will not use your trust to sabotage you or manipulate you into doing something that you know is not good or healthy for you.
The ins and outs of trust aren't easy for anybody, but for someone walking toward wholeness, they are nearly impossible. It seems that the person you are most likely to trust is the very person who you should stay away from. But why?
Well, for many of us, it's because we are following a pattern that we learned in childhood. Many of us--I would go so far as to say most of us--who have abusive experiences as adults have also had them as children. We were raised by parents that abused us or turned a blind eye (or were for some reason unaware) when family members or friends abused us. We learned that abusive people were trustworthy people, and we follow that education into adulthood.
Now that we have identified the abuse and have taken steps to get away from it, we are hesitant to trust anyone at all. We are never sure if that person is deserving of our trust, and so we choose not to give it. Once burned, twice shy. And that is wise, in some ways. Our power of discrimination is flawed at first, and that means that we have no true guidelines to follow in our ability to trust someone else.
For that reason, I'd like to take a page from Wikihow's article, "How to Determine if Someone is Trustworthy." It gives you five steps to follow to help along the path. I'm going to write down the steps and then give you some abuse-oriented advice that supplements the article, which is linked above.
Step One: Observe
It's important not to rush in with your eyes shut. Before you decide that someone-- anyone--is trustworthy, watch them. See how they treat others around them. Are they kind? Do they listen? Are they concerned for others more than themselves? Is their behavior familiar? If you recognize their behavior as what you were used to in former relationships, get out of there.
Step Two: Listen
Please realize that this step applies to everyone, friends and professionals alike. It is especially important with professionals, though, because professional relationships can be tricky. Listen to the person talk. Notice what they say. Are they interested in you? Do they hear you, or do they have their own agenda? Do they talk about others?
Nobody--not even a therapist--has any reason to bring up anybody else's private affairs. Even if they don't mention that person by name, realize that what they do to others, they will also do to you. Be cautious if that person does not want to talk about anyone but themselves. If they do, that means that they aren't at a place where they can help you. They need help themselves.
Step Three: Are they reliable?
As you get further into the relationship, you will need to know if you can depend on them. Many people on the road to wholeness will assign a task, just to see if the person can be depended on to do it. NOTE: If you decide to do this, please realize that you need to be careful. One thing that we abuse victims are known for is depending on others. If you ask too many favors, the person might stop helping you--f for your own good.
Step Four: Honesty
This one is hard, at least for me. Does the person lie? It's hard for me because I am very bad at picking up on lies. However, one thing you can notice is if the person always the hero--the strongest, most talented, bravest, etc. If it seems that the whole world should bow in submission, probably it's not the world that has the problem. It's t that person. Be especially careful of people that you put on pedestals. If they enjoy it, that's a warning sign.
Step Five: Personality
The article gives good guidelines here, as in all the steps. My caution is specific to those walking to wholeness. Does the person want you to become like them? Does it seem that the only way into the light is in their shadow? If so, think about it. How can you possibly be in the light and the shadow at the same time. If they want to fix you, walk
away.
I've been walking this road for a long time. Hopefully, these steps might help you avoid some of the potholes that I've fallen into. God bless you on the journey.